Roller Coaster Week

What a week this has been!! August has always been an extremely important month to me, but all the emotions that usually occur in that whole MONTH, hit me in one week. This year began my 22nd year as a teacher. I absolutely love my job. I taught in the NC school district for 19 years, and then God led me to Central. I'm so thankful He did. I can see, almost daily, why He put me there. I'm surrounded by the most Godly staff I've ever taught with. They circled me with love when Mal left us. But, I'm getting ahead of myself. I need to back up and start at the beginning of the week.

Mal's best friend, Blair, is going away to college this year. Because she and several other kids had to leave for school early, Blair planned the balloon launch to honor Mal's birthday on Sunday, the 15th (Mal's birthday is the 17th). We did the balloon launch last year. But, I was still a little out of it, so the memories aren't as sharp. I do remember pulling up to the cemetary, thinking there was a funeral. But, all the cars were there for Mal's balloon launch. This year, there were probably just as many people there. The emotions hit me pretty hard. But, this time, it wasn't so much about missing Mal, but just more shock that this many people still felt strongly about honoring Mal. It was beautiful. I tried to build the kids up and give them some of my jewels of wisdom. Mal would LOVE the attention!

On Monday, I had to go back to work. It was a day filled with meetings, but it was so good to be back with my co-workers. I had my cheerleaders come in decorate the school for Open House that night. Getting back to work is always good for me. During the summer, I have too much time to let my mind wander, which can lead me back into depression, missing Mal. Going back to school fills my mind with so much, the depression doesn't get a chance to creep back in. Teaching middle school kids keeps me hopping, mentally and physically!! And my cheerleaders never let me get down. The picture below gives you an idea about the staff at CMS. This was taken during Spirit Week on "rocker day". We have a really good time, no matter what we do!!



Then, begins Tuesday, Mal's 20th birthday. I can still remember the August I was pregnant with her like it was yesterday!! Elvis' death was sometime in this month, so while awaiting her arrival, I watched Elvis movie marathons!!! She had so many birthday wishes on Facebook from all the people who love her. I did ok that day! I wore my t shirt with her pic on it. I don't usually wear it in public much, because I don't want to appear too "creepy"!! But I felt I should honor her that day. Our school district began the morning with a prayer service at the high school's flagpole. It was definitely what I needed that morning. I had to attend a coach's meeting that afternoon. One of Mal's favorite volleyball coaches moved to Central this year and I sat with her at the meeting. She shared several stories about Mal's sweet and respectful personality. It made me very proud!! (Do you get the roller coaster of emotions yet??) I ended the afternoon by going to Boen's to order football shirts for Mom and me to wear to Luke's games this season.



Wednesday was pretty uneventful. I spent most of the afternoon in my pool because I know those days were coming to an end!! I went to choir practice that evening. I absolutely love FBC choir members and our new director, Bret Stanford, is definitely an answer to prayer!! I have known his wife Courtney since she was a little girl and now I keep their son Gavin in Sunday School. That family has become very precious to me.

Thursday dawned with the beginning of a new school year!! I always have nightmares the week prior to school beginning. I usually can't find my class, have no clothes on, or my class is full of future inmates!! This year was nightmare-free. That was a first for me!! This was the first day of Luke's last year of public education!! He and I are both feeling bittersweet about it. I know he'll be so ready to graduate by May, and I'm afraid I'm going to be anxious for him to graduate. Joey promises I don't have a curse on me that prevents my children from graduating, but it still scares me a bit. I have to remind myself to led God lead us through this year!! I'm very proud of Luke. He is actually turning into an awesome young man! We always worried about him, because he was about having a good time and worrying about consequences later!! He still loves a good time, but is much more mature about it. He's doing cadet teaching with me this year, which means he'll come to classroom every day. I love this time! I very rarely get time alone with my son. He loves to surround himself with the important people in his life. And I enjoy just sitting back and watching him. As his Gram says, Luke fills the room when he comes in! What a blessing!! This picture is him on his first day of junior year. (Slacker Mom hasn't downloaded the first day of senior year yet. I'll have to get on that!!)



Ahhh.....Friday!! Friday in the fall can only mean high school football!! Joey's all-time favorite part of the year. This year, Luke is starting as a tight end on the team. He played quarterback all through school until last year. He's built perfectly for a tight end. He's following in his dad's footsteps. Joey played the same position. Last night was the jamboree. The team scrimmaged three other schools. You can't really judge the season by last night because everybody gets subbed in and gets playing time. Luke did a good job. We were very proud. Luke has such a great group of friends on this team. The boys all get along and have no jealousy at all!! They honestly want each other to do well and they work perfectly together. Luke has played football since he was 7 years old!! It's going to be so strange to not watch him after this year. We just have to move on to a new stage in our life. We've gotten really good at doing that!! Who knows, we may have another son playing in about 14 years!! Holy smokes, we would be 57!!! Joey always stands up by the press box. I don't know that he'll be able to climb up there then!! I'm just kidding. We plan to roll with whatever God brings us!



So, that was my week. A very memorable one. I had so many good moments, but there were also a few sad and melancholy ones. But, our lives are full of emotions. I would hate to go through life as a robot. Even my tears are very healing. I always feel better after a good cry. God gave me those tears as a release. But I do look forward to my days in heaven where I won't feel sad anymore. I can't imagine how we will feel and the love we will have for each other. God certainly knows His stuff!!

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven; a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace." Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

"Accidental Births"?? I Don't Think So!!

God has blessed me with six nephews and two nieces. I am amazed at how different each one of these kids are. Our family was so excited with each and every birth. They span the ages of 26 to 6. (This includes both sides of the family.) While my nephews are amazing and crazy, I want to blog about my two blonde nieces.

First of all, the title of this blog doesn't mean that any of my family were accidents. I'm not even sure they were unplanned, but that's getting a bit personal with my siblings!! haha But the premise for this blog is that everyone in this world has a purpose. Many times, I don't think we even realize how we affect the lives of others. Since Mal's accident, I have really begun to notice pieces of God's beautiful plan. One of Mal's favorite expressions was "Everything happens for a reason." This includes the placement of people in our everyday lives.

Let me start with my oldest niece, Staci. She was born when I was 17. She was my baby!! I carted her around everywhere and claimed her as my own. I climbed into playpens with her, fixed her first ponytails, and loved her more than anything. She was my adorable flower girl and has been part of most all of the important events of my life. She even shares my wedding anniversary, love of shoes, and is also an English teacher. Joni and I have always said our girls were switched at birth. Mal shares many things with her Aunt Noni.

Staci and Mal have a very loving relationship. Stac was the big cousin. She carted Mal around with her!! When the girls were 1 and 6, they both dressed as Hershey's Kisses for Halloween. They were precious. As they became older, the realization of being raised only with brothers hit both girls. At this time, they decided to claim each other as sisters. When Staci would come home from college with the newest phrase of Staci-ish, Mal would instantly adopt that phrase and use it every chance she got. Mal was a candle-lighter in Staci's wedding and formed an instant bond with Staci's husband, Scott. I thank God over and over that Mal got to hold and see Eli for a couple months before she left us.





Carly came along a bit later. She is the third offspring from my brother, John and his wife, Meri. Mal was eleven when we found out Meri was having a girl. She had mixed emotions. Mal really enjoyed being Maw Maw's girl. She didn't think she wanted to share her grandma with another girl. She was excited, but was unsure that Maw Maw could love more than two granddaughters. She awaited the birth of another cousin anxiously. From the moment Carly entered this world, Mal never had those feelings again. Now it was Mal's turn to lavish love on a younger cousin. And believe me, she loved Carly to pieces!! She spent as many nights as she could with her. She and her friends took Carly places and loved treating her like one of the "big" girls. There was a bond between Mal and Carly that is unbreakable. My heart breaks every time I think of how Carly was affected by the loss of Mal.





Now, for the "accidental" birth issue. One thing I do remember from the night of Mal's accident was repeating over and over "not my girl!!" Our mother/daughter relationship was exceptional. And while I know I won't have that exact relationship again, I am once more amazed at how God has given me Staci and Carly to help fill that hole. Staci is filling the loss of my adult daughter. I love how she calls me when she has something exciting or funny happen in her life. I love how we can share teaching stories and stories of our husbands!! I love how she always greets me with a hug and kiss. And I love how her son, Eli, calls me Maw Maw!!

Carly brings back my memories of Mal when she was a little girl. Carly is eight now. She is so smart and talks to you like she's an adult. She and Mal had that in common. She's so affectionate and hugs and pats me all the time. But, this summer, I noticed a huge similarity between Mal and Carly that I hadn't seen before. My brother and I live right next to each other. Even living that close, we don't see each other very often. But for some reason, this summer Carly decided she needed to come and swim with me. (My earlier blog revealed my obsession with my pool!!) Carly has a pool in her backyard, also. I think the attraction to my pool was that our deck is attached and she loves jumping into the water. Their deck isn't finished yet. So when she saw me in my pool, she decided to join me. Just like her older cousin, Carly is a fish in the water. It was like having Mal with me again as a little girl. Their body shapes are so much alike. And Carly was standing on her hands and swimming around my raft and sticking to me like glue!! It was like having my eight-year-old Mal with me in the pool again.

So, as I think about these two blonde girls, I know that God gave them specifically to me!! He knew that he was going to have to take my girl home before I got there. And he knew that I would need TONS of help to continue on with my life here. So, he gave me these nieces. I really don't think either of them has a clue that they are helping their aunt move forward in her life. One of the blessings I have received from my Mal leaving me, is being able to slow my life down and marvel at how God has designed EVERYTHING!! Nothing in this life is accidental if you can follow God's plan and not your own.


Jeremiah 29:11 NIV
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Lucas John

My baby boy turned 17 this week. I can't believe he will be starting his senior year of school. Let me tell you a little bit about my son. There were so many signs (even before his birth) of what kind of boy he would be. While I was pregnant with him, the doctors told me that he was a twin. Sadly, I miscarried one of them. Luke's reason for this is that he was so hungry, he ate the twin!!

We also knew that he would be extremely devoted to baseball. Luke's due date was July 11. Joey was a bit panicked because the All Star game was scheduled for July 13 that year. We made it through the due date with no signs of his arrival. I had a doctor's appointment on the 13th and he told me he was pretty sure I would deliver that evening. All Star game would just have to be missed that year. But, being the baseball lover he is, I made it all the way through the game thinking the doctor had been mistaken. The game had been over MAYBE 10 minutes, and I went into labor. I kid you not!! He was definitely Joey Hicks' son!!





Luke was born in 1993, the year of the unbelivable floods!! Of course, it began to storm when we reached the hospital. The electricity went out and the generators kicked in. It seemed like that storm was ushering in my own little storm. After a few medical problems, Luke arrived at 4:47 a.m. on July 14th. 8 lbs and 6 oz ~~ 22" long. Pretty big boy for a mom who was 5'2".

Mallory was mad at me for about 3 weeks after I brought her brother home. This disgust showed up every now and then for their 15 years together!!

Luke was lucky enough to be born after my dad retired. My mom kept Luke until he was two years old. This created an unbreakable bond between Luke and my parents, especially my dad. He followed him everywhere. I was afraid if Dad stopped walking quickly, Luke would end up crammed up a certain orafice of Dad's. He learned farming, hunting, repairs, (really anything you name) from my Dad. I honestly feel the loss of Dad in 2009 devasted Luke almost more than the loss of his sister. Dad was his hero. He patterned his life from Dad's. All of his teachers told me all Luke talked about was his grandpa. And I see a lot of Dad coming out in Luke.






Luke started going to school at North County. He made tons of good friends and did well in school (as long as he applied himself!!) He felt the real reasons to go to school were the socialization and sports. He could talk non-stop and still hear every word the teacher said. It drove them crazy!! After his freshman year, I got a teaching position at Central, and for a few pretty good reasons, Luke decided to go to Central with me. It was a decision that has worked out amazingly well. He has a group of tight-knit friends that are incredibly loyal and just really good boys!!




Luke has so much love and devotion to his family. He is very fortunate to have a bunch of cousins!! There are 6 boys and 2 girls and he is close to all of them. He has always had so much admiration for his older cousin, Andrew. This past June, Luke was a groomsman in Andrew's wedding. Luke was so honored to be asked. And an even greater benefit was escorting his oldest cousin, Staci. They were adorable together!!






Luke has always loved sports. When he was just a little over a year old, he got a baseball glove for Christmas. It was the first present he opened, and then refused to open any more. He walked around with his glove the rest of the morning. Mallory got to open the rest of his presents for him. He plays football, basketball, and baseball. I would say baseball is his favorite, but it usually changes, depending on what he's playing at the time.




I am very happy to say that Luke has always had a strong belief in God. He was saved when he was only 6 or 7 years old. I remember crying as he and I walked down to the alter at church. I was so proud and relieved that both of my kids had made this decision. After the loss of Mal and Dad, his faith has grown even more. He knows he'll be with both of them again. I'm also happy to say he has a girlfriend who is just as faithful in her Christian walk. Briley has been so much fun to have around. She is a great girl and she makes Luke happy!!



For his 17th birthday, he had quite the crew to the house to swim and just hang out. I loved having them fill the backyard. There were so many different things going on, it was impossible to keep up with.

Today, he had some of his senior pictures taken. It was bittersweet. The pictures are amazing. (I've included the link below if you want to see them!!) But I can't help but worry that he'll make it through his senior year. Joey always assures me that I don't have a curse on me that my children won't ever graduate. I just remember doing all of these thing with Mal and I guess I took them for granted. With Luke, it seems like I savor every moment. Every minute I have with him is so precious. I understand, now, why God gave him this crazy and adorable personality. God knew that I would need a son exactly like him to help me when Mal was taken to heaven. Luke keeps me going and gives me a reason to look forward to my future. As his Gram puts it, "Luke fills up a room when he comes in." And it's true. I don't know that he really understands how important he is to me. Sure, he can make me want to pull my hair out, and his, but I would honestly be lost without him.

There's no promise that any of us have tomorrow. Believe me, I know this. I just pray that God will let Luke have a long, happy, adult life. And I can't wait to see what kind of grandkids he'll give us!!








Senior pictures taken by Dustin Jenkerson. www.mjphotography.smugmug.com

Damaged, But Not Destroyed

I woke up this morning really lonesome for Mal and my dad, so I thought it might be good to write about them today. The start of 2009 was a horrible time for my family. We lost Mal on January 26 and Dad just three weeks later. My whole life had been so blessed. We had lost grandparents in their older years, but had never suffered tragedies like these.

On that particular Monday, things were hectic, as usual. Luke was just 15, so I had to run him back and forth from basketball practice, while squeezing in a trip to the store, and a meeting I needed to attend. I had talked to Mal so many times that day. We were hoping for a few snow days at home together so I had asked her what she wanted from the grocery store. She had told me about one of her best friends signing with a college to play basketball, and that she had bought a car charger for her phone: a typical day for us.

The four of us were scattered that evening. Joey and Mal were at work, Luke was at my mom's, and I was at my meeting. Around 5:30, we noticed the rain was starting to have sleet mixed in. Mal was closing the daycare and coming straight home (after I convinced her that she didn't need to go to Jesse's that night). I was going to pick up supper and meet her and Luke at home. It was one of Joey's late nights at work.

When I got home, about 30 minutes after talking to Mal, the first thing I noticed was that Mal's car wasn't in the driveway. My first feeling was anger, because I thought she had gone to Jesse's anyway. This wasn't her personality, but that's the only thing that came to my mind. With every unanswered call and text, I was getting even more angry with her. When I finally text Jesse to see if she was there, he told me he had talked to her about 20 minutes earlier and that she was almost home at that time. I really think I knew what had happened as soon as he told me that. The bottom dropped out of my stomach. I knew that I had to go find her. Luke insisted on going with me.

We had only driven 2 minutes when we saw the flashing lights and emergency vehicles. I'm not going to go into the details. If I never relive that night again, it would be a miracle. Just the other day when I came up on a wreck and saw the lights, I had an anxiety attack. I will never get over that. I will also never get over the fact that my baby boy was with me and had to become a man that night. He had to see his mom beat on the chest of the state patrolman and scream her denial. He carried me back to our car and drove me to my mom's.

I am so thankful that God has blocked so much of the next few weeks out for me. I really don't remember much of that time. I do remember all the people flooding to my parents' house that night. The roads were so bad, but they all wanted to be there for us. They all loved Mal, too. So many people came to the funeral home. I think I was told around 2,000. That just told me what kind of person our girl was. She was such a shining spot in the world and touched so many lives. From what I understand, she's still touching lives today.

We weren't even given time to deal with this horrible reality when my dad passed away in his sleep just three weeks later. Dad had been diagnosed with a rare kidney disease. He had started dialysis, but the doctors had assured us it wasn't life threatening. More and more, I'm convinced Dad died of a broken heart. His grandchildren were the light of his life. It was just too painful for him to live without all of them here and he was so weak from his illness. Dad was the rock of the family. He was the most devout Christian and was someone who could have helped me cope with losing Mal. And I'm so ashamed that I felt relief that Mal had her Paw Paw with her. I would rather have had him still with us, but that wasn't God's plan.

I'm not reliving these tragedies to remember the pain, or so that people will know what has happened to us. I'm writing this so everyone can know that God will carry you through anything that life deals out. God doesn't promise us that life will be easy, but that He will be with us the whole time. And I can honestly say I felt God's arms wrap around me the day of Mal's funeral. It was the most comforting, peaceful feeling I have ever had. On my darkest days since then, I have known that God has been right here. He has carried me on those days when I didn't think I wanted to live without my girl. And he still carries me, but less and less. This is God's grace.

I still have my days where my heart actually hurts. I've found that on those days, the only relief I get is through tears. They are so cleansing. It seems like I bounce between grieving for Mal and Dad. And some days it just wears me out. But on those days, all I have to do is ask God for comfort and peace. He always delivers. He also reassures me that one day I'll be in the same world with Mal and Dad again.

All parents think their worst nightmare would be the loss of a child. And believe me, it brings a pain that I can't begin to describe. But even worse, would be to lose a child that hadn't chosen to have God in their life. I know that Mal had been saved and that is what helps me to go on living this life.

And I have chosen to go on living my life. God still has a plan for me. Mal had fufilled God's plan for her. She just did it a lot sooner than I wanted. But, I've learned that God knows best. My plans are insignificant. I miss my dad every single day, too. I'm a daddy's girl and always will be. He did so many wonderful things with his life. And I feel that God didn't want this man to suffer anymore and took him to heaven to get his rewards.

I titled this blog, Damaged, But Not Destroyed, because that's how I describe myself. Yes, I'm damaged, and will have those scars for the rest of my life. But I won't be destroyed. How does that help anybody? I can't do what God wants me to if I let these losses destroy me. So, I'll keep trudging through this life. Some days are gonna be harder than others. My dad told me this world will hurt us. He encouraged me to focus on heaven. And that's what I'll do. I have one foot in this world and one already in heaven. But, as Christians, isn't that what we're suppose to do anyway?

From School Days to Pool Days

First of all, let me say that I love my job. I am a 7th grade English teacher. The staff that I work with is amazing. They are so dedicated to their students and have so much fun that it makes going to work easy. Believe it or not, even those quirky tweeners are fun! But, they can also be very exhausting. So, I am always extremely anxious for summer break. Those three glorious months are very much needed for my sanity!! After many years of searching, I have found the perfect place of solitude: my backyard pool. When we first installed the pool, I spent most of the time responding to "Hey, Mom ~~ watch this". Apparently, it was life threatening to my children, Mallory and Luke, if I didn't see EVERY SINGLE handstand, dive, stunt, race across the pool, and the discovery of items thrown to the bottom of the pool. At the time, I grew so weary of this and didn't find the pool so relaxing. But now, these memories are cherished. And even just last week, Luke and his girlfriend Briley (16 and 15, respectively) were racing each other across the pool and playing the "colors" game!! But, for the most part, I am in the pool alone each afternoon. This is when the honest to goodness relaxation takes place. I can float on my raft for hours reading a book. Let me tell you, I have read some amazing books in that pool!! The Meg Cabot Queen of Babble series is the favorite so far in summer 2010!! I can honestly say that I can escape from just about anything in that pool!! Last summer was a little hard for me, because every time I was in the pool, the memories of Mallory were too painful. She was my fish and I missed her splashing around me and struggling to get back on her raft when she flipped off of it. But, this summer, I have been given the strength to enjoy it again! I cannot believe we are already well into the month of July. I begin to panic thinking about running out of pool days and having to go back to school. This just requires me to get even more pool time in during the last 6 weeks of my break! I have now even become brave enough to leave my cell phone inside the house while I'm in the pool!! Those closest to me know where I am. And if I have fallen asleep and rolled to my watery grave, at least they know I was in my favorite place!! So, as I watch the calender flipping daily to the end of my pool days, society will probably see less and less of me. The only days I'll be out of the pool will be when it's raining!! So I would suggest that all of you find your place of solitude and do not let anything disturb you!! It's good for your health!

Transformation

Today began the transformation of my son's old bedroom. I've completely emptied it, stripped border, spackled MILLIONS of push-pin holes, and applied one coat of "Mountainside" gray paint. I had the priceless help of my sister and mom. But as I was painting, my mind started to comtemplate the reason for the transformation of this room. Eighteen months ago, our beautiful daughter was killed in a car wreck. (I'll talk about this in a later blog.) It's been a long, hard journey of grieving and, thank God, healing. After months of prayer, God has shown my family that we need to take part in the foster parent program which will hopefully lead to adoption. And no, this is definitely not to replace our girl. That could never be done!! She was one of a kind; one of God's original designs. The transformation of the bedroom is happening because we will be having our home visit sometime later this month. I began to wonder if I would be transforming this room if Mallory was still alive. But I can't think about "would I be doing this or that". Really, what good does that do? This was God's plan for us and now it's up to us to carry it out. So, I stopped wondering about those "unanswerable" questions and instead focused on what God has in store for my family's future. I'll post pictures later as the room is completed. And I'm hoping that's it's not just the room that is being transformed, but also my focus in life will be transformed. I have an amazing husband and son who are still in this world with me. And hopefully, we will be given the gift of adding another family member. So, as I'm transforming rooms, I'll be working on the transformation of my heart as well.