Damaged, But Not Destroyed

I woke up this morning really lonesome for Mal and my dad, so I thought it might be good to write about them today. The start of 2009 was a horrible time for my family. We lost Mal on January 26 and Dad just three weeks later. My whole life had been so blessed. We had lost grandparents in their older years, but had never suffered tragedies like these.

On that particular Monday, things were hectic, as usual. Luke was just 15, so I had to run him back and forth from basketball practice, while squeezing in a trip to the store, and a meeting I needed to attend. I had talked to Mal so many times that day. We were hoping for a few snow days at home together so I had asked her what she wanted from the grocery store. She had told me about one of her best friends signing with a college to play basketball, and that she had bought a car charger for her phone: a typical day for us.

The four of us were scattered that evening. Joey and Mal were at work, Luke was at my mom's, and I was at my meeting. Around 5:30, we noticed the rain was starting to have sleet mixed in. Mal was closing the daycare and coming straight home (after I convinced her that she didn't need to go to Jesse's that night). I was going to pick up supper and meet her and Luke at home. It was one of Joey's late nights at work.

When I got home, about 30 minutes after talking to Mal, the first thing I noticed was that Mal's car wasn't in the driveway. My first feeling was anger, because I thought she had gone to Jesse's anyway. This wasn't her personality, but that's the only thing that came to my mind. With every unanswered call and text, I was getting even more angry with her. When I finally text Jesse to see if she was there, he told me he had talked to her about 20 minutes earlier and that she was almost home at that time. I really think I knew what had happened as soon as he told me that. The bottom dropped out of my stomach. I knew that I had to go find her. Luke insisted on going with me.

We had only driven 2 minutes when we saw the flashing lights and emergency vehicles. I'm not going to go into the details. If I never relive that night again, it would be a miracle. Just the other day when I came up on a wreck and saw the lights, I had an anxiety attack. I will never get over that. I will also never get over the fact that my baby boy was with me and had to become a man that night. He had to see his mom beat on the chest of the state patrolman and scream her denial. He carried me back to our car and drove me to my mom's.

I am so thankful that God has blocked so much of the next few weeks out for me. I really don't remember much of that time. I do remember all the people flooding to my parents' house that night. The roads were so bad, but they all wanted to be there for us. They all loved Mal, too. So many people came to the funeral home. I think I was told around 2,000. That just told me what kind of person our girl was. She was such a shining spot in the world and touched so many lives. From what I understand, she's still touching lives today.

We weren't even given time to deal with this horrible reality when my dad passed away in his sleep just three weeks later. Dad had been diagnosed with a rare kidney disease. He had started dialysis, but the doctors had assured us it wasn't life threatening. More and more, I'm convinced Dad died of a broken heart. His grandchildren were the light of his life. It was just too painful for him to live without all of them here and he was so weak from his illness. Dad was the rock of the family. He was the most devout Christian and was someone who could have helped me cope with losing Mal. And I'm so ashamed that I felt relief that Mal had her Paw Paw with her. I would rather have had him still with us, but that wasn't God's plan.

I'm not reliving these tragedies to remember the pain, or so that people will know what has happened to us. I'm writing this so everyone can know that God will carry you through anything that life deals out. God doesn't promise us that life will be easy, but that He will be with us the whole time. And I can honestly say I felt God's arms wrap around me the day of Mal's funeral. It was the most comforting, peaceful feeling I have ever had. On my darkest days since then, I have known that God has been right here. He has carried me on those days when I didn't think I wanted to live without my girl. And he still carries me, but less and less. This is God's grace.

I still have my days where my heart actually hurts. I've found that on those days, the only relief I get is through tears. They are so cleansing. It seems like I bounce between grieving for Mal and Dad. And some days it just wears me out. But on those days, all I have to do is ask God for comfort and peace. He always delivers. He also reassures me that one day I'll be in the same world with Mal and Dad again.

All parents think their worst nightmare would be the loss of a child. And believe me, it brings a pain that I can't begin to describe. But even worse, would be to lose a child that hadn't chosen to have God in their life. I know that Mal had been saved and that is what helps me to go on living this life.

And I have chosen to go on living my life. God still has a plan for me. Mal had fufilled God's plan for her. She just did it a lot sooner than I wanted. But, I've learned that God knows best. My plans are insignificant. I miss my dad every single day, too. I'm a daddy's girl and always will be. He did so many wonderful things with his life. And I feel that God didn't want this man to suffer anymore and took him to heaven to get his rewards.

I titled this blog, Damaged, But Not Destroyed, because that's how I describe myself. Yes, I'm damaged, and will have those scars for the rest of my life. But I won't be destroyed. How does that help anybody? I can't do what God wants me to if I let these losses destroy me. So, I'll keep trudging through this life. Some days are gonna be harder than others. My dad told me this world will hurt us. He encouraged me to focus on heaven. And that's what I'll do. I have one foot in this world and one already in heaven. But, as Christians, isn't that what we're suppose to do anyway?